A look inside my head

Sabrina

Every morning when I wake up.
I think why, why do I have to live another day.
There are so many people dying.
People who would do anything to stay.

I feel very ungrateful,
And I see the beauty of nature all around me.
Listing to the birds and crickets,
The goats, a peacock, a bee..

I feel happiness when I see a beautiful flower,
Even more with a beautiful sky.
I enjoy good food and company.
So most people will think, why?!

When I wake up,
I wake up in stiffness and pain.
And most of the time short of breath from asthma.
And those problems are not even the main.

I am thinking what can I do today?
Do I have energy to shower?
Do I feel better after all my medication?
I can answer that in about an hour.

If it is a good day,
I am going to sit in a chair.
Most people won't realise how much energy that cost.
Because when you are healthy you are unaware.

I try to be creative,
Make some jewellery or a painting.
While listing to a podcast,
Trying to do it without complaining.

Because there is always something wrong.
It can be pain, shaking hands so I can't paint, really anything at all.
Sometimes I can get through it,
When it is small.

But most days it is too much,
And I go back to bed.
Or stay in bed and don't get up at all,
And I have a whole day ahead.

When the only thing you can do is watch Netflix of play a little with your phone,
It sounds wonderful and relaxing,
Instead of boring and all alone.

The really bad days are even worse.
I cry a lot and stay in bed.
I don't want to talk to anyone,
Just stay in the dark in my head.

Try to sleep as much as I can,
Because you don't feel anything while you sleep.
I wish I could wake up rested for once though,
But for that, you have to sleep different and deep.

The days are long this way.
And very lonely and boring.
Hard to understand for an outstander,
But I can't keep ignoring.

I don't want to live like this anymore,
I hope this explain a little bit how I feel.
That I am not exaggerate.
That this is all very real.